Open letters (inspired by my wife)

Dear Dude from high school that I see in my office building,

Hey douche. I know you recognize me. I can tell. I've seen you look at me with recognition and then continue walking. I realize we ran with different crowds in high school and that were considered "popular" because either your parents were rich, or you were the mascot of the rich kids, but COME ON! I played football with you freshman year, we actually had a few of the same friends, and you used to park on my street the last two years of college and we walked to class at the same time and talked to each other on the way. Now you don't know me. I also realize it's been about 12 or 13 years since you've seen me, but dude, other than being about 50 pounds heavier and maybe a bit taller than you remember....same looking dude. Get over yourself and say hi. Jesus, I should be hazing you because you appear to have gotten a bit wide around the middle, still have the same hairstyle you were rockin in '89, and you wear sweaters with collared shirts underneath (I can only assume this is to try to disguise the gut). I'm no fashion guy...I would wear the same pair of pants all week if I thought no one would say anything to me...but I don't even OWN a sweater. You're probably a tucker, too. You know, you wear shorts out during the summer and TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT. I know, it's Oklahoma and lots of guys our age do that (some of which are my friends) but tucking looks dumb with shorts. It's like wearing tube socks with shorts. Yeah, lots of guys do it, but that doesn't mean it looks good.
So, douche, go ahead, swallow your pride, and say "hey Dave". I promise I'll be really cool, and maybe even suggest we have lunch sometime and catch up. It's not like either one of us has anything to be ashamed of...

Sincerely,
David





Dear high school guy,
TURN YOUR FUCKING CAR STEREO DOWN! NO ONE CARES THAT YOU LISTEN TO HIP HOP. YOU'RE IN BROKEN FUCKING ARROW, OKLAHOMA. IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY SMART ENOUGH TO MOVE AWAY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, YOU'LL REALIZE WHAT A TOOL YOU WERE AND RENOUNCE THE SUBWOOFER AND BLOATED EXHAUST PIPE THAT CURRENTLY SYMBOLIZES YOUR LACK OF PENIS SIZE!!!! I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE YOU WON'T TURN DOWN THE BASS ON YOUR FUCKING STEREO. I HOPE YOU WRECK THAT FUCKING CIVIC AND HAVE TO DRIVE A STATION WAGON.


FUCK OFF YOU PUNK,
Dave




Dear car texter,
Just want you to know that you just ran over a child back there...that's why you accidentally hit the "l" button twice....



LOL,
D


Black person in Oklahoma,
On behalf of well, everyone, I would like to apologize. You see, some folks try too hard to appear non-racist. Some folks don't try at all. Some folks, like myself, think they are TOTALLY cool and then find themselves thinking things that don't make them proud. We like to start off sentences with "I'm not a racist, but..." or "My best friend is black, but..." or even "I have nothing against (whispered) black people, but...". I know. It's pretty gross.
Yes, we ALL are a bit racist. I truly believe this. It's become apparent to me that it's impossible not to hold a group of folks responsible for one single person's behavior at some point. However, let me just say that some of us are working on it. I mean, I like to call people out on being racist as much to make sure I don't behave that way as to make them rethink their own behavior, but that doesn't mean that person is bad. Stuff gets taught and we're all a bit stupid about un-learning things. (Yeah, I got that from Yoda.) I just hope you will continue to show the tolerance and patience with those of us you notice making an effort. I'm not asking you to ignore ignorant things we say or do, just help us be better. A lot of folks out there don't have any idea how dumb they look sometimes, but they wouldn't repeat the behavior if someone told them.
It's asking a lot for you to be kind to us. Probably more than we deserve. Just know this: there are those of us out there that want to learn to be better people, treat everyone with the same amount of respect, and have friends and experiences with other cultures. It's just not accessible to everyone. Help a fool out.
And by the way, I voted for Obama....


Humbly,
White Shadow





Dear Son,
You amaze me. You are ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-surprising. I want you to know something and I don't want you to ever EVER forget it as long as you live: you are who you are because of one thing and one thing only...YOUR MOTHER. I can only hope that you remember most of your childhood because the amount of dedication your mother shows you each and every single second of your life is legendary. You should know that she doesn't always feel that great. Her body has betrayed her a lot. It's not her fault, it's just the way life is sometimes. But despite that, she never wavers in her attention to your well-being, your happiness, or your knowledge of being loved.
I was lucky enough to have two moms who were like that. One of them was not able to be around to physically watch me grow up, but I know she's been present my whole life. The other has loved me as if I was born from her. She helped mold who I am and make me a better person, and she showed me that love is the greatest thing on this earth. Your Gammie, I believe, was sent by your grandma (my birth mom) to take care of me and you. We're lucky.
I hope that one day you will be lucky enough to meet someone who will love you like this. But no matter what, I hope the love your mother has given you will last you through times that are tough. I hope you know you will always be able to call your mom and she will listen, give you good advice, and tell you she loves and believes in you. She will always have your back. I hope you remember to tell her how much you appreciate it when you are old enough. Don't worry, sometimes that takes decades, but it'll happen. When it does finally occur to you, pick up the phone and call her. Tell her. It's all she wants to hear.
Oh yeah, a couple of other things: keep your head down and swing through the ball, focus on the belt buckle and drive with your legs, follow through with your wrist and follow your shot in case of a rebound, always use your own protection, and call me when you need something...I'll always help you.


I love you,
Your dad

I farted. Sorry about that.

Ok, so I'm taking these wicked powerful antibiotics (has anyone ever been prescribed biotics?) for the chronic (heh heh) sinus infection I've been dealing with for over a month now. Also to clear up the nasal area as I am to have septum surgery on Feb. 16th. Anyway, these suckers are "one a day" and I am advised on the bottle that they may cause drowsiness or dizzyness. O....k....

Never had one of those that did that..usually that caution is reserved for pain meds, decongestants and the like. So, I took my first one just before leaving for work, as I planned to eat my oatmeal and banana upon arriving while I started my day...except I had a fucking flat tire and ended up at the tire shop for over an hour while they fixed it. (Long story...boring...not worth the effort) ANYWHO, the pill kicked in on the way to work from the tire place and well...it doesn't "may cause" it "does cause" drowsiness and dizzyness. Felt a bit like I'd taken a hit off the ol' superbong my L.A. roommates used to wake up every morning (Lloyd from "True Romance" had nothing on these guys). Tried to eat as soon as possible, but it was too late: felt funky until almost 2 pm.

So, there's another aspect of the ol' super pills that isn't spelled out on the bottle: more than likely will cause extreme gas, bloating, bowel exiting. You see, I'm trying to watch my eating habits a bit so that I may live to see my son grow up, and that includes making sure I eat low cholesterol (I'm not looking it up, so if it's misspelled, than you can just deal with it) foods like oatmeal, whole wheat bread, and a healthy dose of fruits and veggies. In other words: roughage. Not to give "too much TMI" as my crazy ex-coworker used to say (yes, she said "Too much TMI" which I would always respond with "Really Kathy?...too much, Too Much Information?" and she'd just stare at me like I was retarded. That's funny coming from a crazy person.), but I have a pretty "aggressive" metabolism as it is, and introducing something that speeds that up is like putting extra jet engines on a Stealth bomber: yeah it'll go faster, but is that something we really want?

What this all means is that for the last few days, I've spent more muscle energy on trying NOT to fart than I do when I'm riding the stationary bike. I'm physically tired at the end of the day of sitting at my desk because I've been doing a perpetual Kegel exercise for 9 hours a day. My rowmates and I have a posted rule on the wall behind us which states: No Crop Dusting. This means that you may NOT fart while walking by us, talking to us, or sitting around us. I made the rule, so I cannot just blow it off (I love a good pun) because I'm taking a brown bomber everyday for my sinuses.

So, when I can't take it anymore and am at a good point in work to take a break, I head to the restroom and let go the tension. I've set four personal bests just this week. No gambling and losing, which is a nice by product since I've been standing for most of the releases, and surprisingly, no traffic in there, so I can truly relax and let the good times roll.

I have 7 more days of this pill, so it's going to be a long weekend for my poor wife, who thinks I fart too much as it is. I'm also going to have to make a trip to Sam's to get more shit tickets, because my dukes have been twice as frequent and four times as volumous. Yeah, maybe you're sitting there right now regretting even starting to read this blog, but admit it: you had to see where I was going with all this. Hell, you probably have a similar story. As R.E.M. says, "Everybody poops....sometimes." or was that Elvis Costello...ANYWAY, it's ok if you want to join me in writing about your bowels. It's ok. You're perfectly normal.

One more thing though: can anyone tell me when I ate mushrooms, because I really don't remember eating any lately, but there they...well, nevermind.

Here's some perspective

My team just lost a heartbreaker of a game. I'm sad. Sad that my team lost. Sad that they tried their best and came up short, and sad that I could tell they were giving their all, had prepared as well as possible, and still came up short. (For the record, I'm also sad that apparently Tebow is Jesus Christ on the football field...I was hoping it would be a down lineman.)
So, here's your dose of perspective: yesterday, my wife was told she might have lung cancer. Not by a heckler driving by our home, but by a nurse who called to let her know she needed a cat-scan to make sure she didn't have cancer. Holy shit.
I could go into detail about my thought process when my wife called in (understandable) hysterics, but I won't. Basically my thoughts were to comfort my wife and find more information...which I did...which made me feel better. But I also went to the dark place for a minute. My mom died from cancer when I was 5. Was this my legacy? Am I going to repeat what my father went through? Sounds a bit ridiculous now, but I went there for a minute. Then I snapped out of it, stopped thinking about myself, and focused on making sure my wife calmed down. (It's not as heroic as it sounds...I just like folks to be calm until all the information is present.)
We went through getting Miles looked after (thank you, Gammie) and got her CT scan done. Then had to do the "wait for the results" dance, which lasted a few more hours...got the call that she is perfectly fine, cancer free, and only needs to kick the pneumonia that is holding on...
Tawni and I both cried. She cried in front of me and we hugged. I cried after she went to sleep. I'm still kind of crying. Relief. Deep breaths of relief. Miles could tell. He was picking up the vibe yesterday and today he picked up that things were better. In fact, I just paused writing this because he was crying out in his sleep a bit and I went in, changed a soaked diaper, and he smiled, took a drink of water, and is drifting back off to sleep right now. I feel good.
And yet my team just lost....

Oh well...March Madness is coming up and then golf season...
It's all good.

What I look like when I'm upset...

That's not make up folks. I just hadn't gotten much sleep.

The moustache look is with make up. It's tough being so high-maintenance, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

I'm done with...

Here are a few things I'm officially done with:
Illness in my house, chapped nostrils (related to the first item), loud cars/motorcycles/vehicles of transportation and the stereos within, bad hip-hop, reality television(duh), hearing how funny Jeff Dunham is (I don't like ventriliquists...give me a break, I'm not seven), for that matter, Dane Cook, magazine renewal notices over a year in advance of a subscription running out, religion-based violence (a greater hypocricy I know not), offenses not running the quick slant when they need less than 10 yards...your entire offensive scheme should be based solely on the quick slant!!!, Dora, Diego, and any other children's television character that feels the need to SHOUT at the audience, the poor customer service and customer "entitlement" (no, the customer is NOT always right!), children under the age of 10 drinking soda, children not respecting elders of any age (seriously, I was AFRAID of adults when I was a kid and never dreamed of talking back to one, let alone smarting off or in any way disrespecting them), being told by someone who doesn't care enough about their own children to have health insurance how to raise my child (I have this neighbor and would gladly slap her if I thought it would have any effect other than a turn on), the seemingly constant wind out here in the not-yet-fully-developed-suburb, my slice off the tee, racism (seriously, let it go...no one is better than anyone else based on skin tone...except we're all better than those weird orange people...not sure what's up with them), people asking me if I've seen [insert current release movie title here]...no, I haven't seen it...if it isn't animated and made by Pixar and on dvd then I haven't seen it, the ladies of The View being in the news...ever, Jay Leno...never....been....funny, and this blog.

Ring it in, ya fuckers!

So last year wasn't the "best" year ever in my household. Big fucking deal. I've had worse years. WAY worse. (and I mean WAY) Lots of illness, injuries, weird diagnosies (I'm pretty sure that's incorrect spelling) and odd events that made 2008 stressful to myself, my wife, and I'm almost positive, although he wouldn't quite know how to express it, my son.
Here's what I would like to happen for the year 2009: everything. Bring it. Seriously. T and I are just getting better and better at handling whatever you got. Any doubt in the world that anyone who knows me had about the marriage/kids thing can now officially suck it. We got this thing. Oh, I know, things get "more difficult" the older the child gets and one never knows what life will throw at them, but I've been around the block more than once and feel like I can adapt, my wife can adapt, and my son can adapt. Any hardship that has happened to us in the last few years is just a notch on the belt. Seriously. I know that ultimate tragedy could be around the corner at any minute, but I refuse to live in anticipation of that. Instead, I'm taking each lesson from each and everyday and using that as strength (or "strenth") for the next day.
The best part, you ask? I'll tell you the best part. It's knowing that I've survived each test so far. Doesn't mean I've passed, but I've survived. I have so much hope, despite how tough times are for everyone, that my family will prevail. My son is very VERY smart. My wife is the best mother I know (of course full propers go out to my own moms...and that's not the "street" moms, I mean both of my moms) and she is only getting the hang of this thing as she goes! She has more devotion to being a major positive part of our family, and has the HARDEST job I've ever seen. I don't want it, and I wouldn't ever be hired for it if I interviewed.
I'm hopeful that the President we elected will take steps to improve what the last monkey left for him. I'm hopeful that us folks in the world will take a stand against those in power who look down on us and think we're lemmings and not worthy of asking our opinion. I'm hopeful that my Sooners will beat Florida in 5 days and shut the rest of the world the fuck up about whether they deserve to be there or not. I'm hopeful that my son will continue to blossom, but finally start to listen to his parents when they say "no". I'm hopeful that my wife will find time to be creative. I'm hopeful that I will find time to be creative. I'm hopeful that my work situation will start to clear itself up without me doing anything different. I'm hopeful that my parents will be healthy. I'm hopeful that my brother will seek counseling. I'm hopeful that my sister will do the same. I'm hopeful that I will grow my relationship with my nephew. I'm hopeful that I remember to STOP. THINK. AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Man, I think this could be a really cool year.