Open letters (inspired by my wife)

Dear Dude from high school that I see in my office building,

Hey douche. I know you recognize me. I can tell. I've seen you look at me with recognition and then continue walking. I realize we ran with different crowds in high school and that were considered "popular" because either your parents were rich, or you were the mascot of the rich kids, but COME ON! I played football with you freshman year, we actually had a few of the same friends, and you used to park on my street the last two years of college and we walked to class at the same time and talked to each other on the way. Now you don't know me. I also realize it's been about 12 or 13 years since you've seen me, but dude, other than being about 50 pounds heavier and maybe a bit taller than you remember....same looking dude. Get over yourself and say hi. Jesus, I should be hazing you because you appear to have gotten a bit wide around the middle, still have the same hairstyle you were rockin in '89, and you wear sweaters with collared shirts underneath (I can only assume this is to try to disguise the gut). I'm no fashion guy...I would wear the same pair of pants all week if I thought no one would say anything to me...but I don't even OWN a sweater. You're probably a tucker, too. You know, you wear shorts out during the summer and TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT. I know, it's Oklahoma and lots of guys our age do that (some of which are my friends) but tucking looks dumb with shorts. It's like wearing tube socks with shorts. Yeah, lots of guys do it, but that doesn't mean it looks good.
So, douche, go ahead, swallow your pride, and say "hey Dave". I promise I'll be really cool, and maybe even suggest we have lunch sometime and catch up. It's not like either one of us has anything to be ashamed of...

Sincerely,
David





Dear high school guy,
TURN YOUR FUCKING CAR STEREO DOWN! NO ONE CARES THAT YOU LISTEN TO HIP HOP. YOU'RE IN BROKEN FUCKING ARROW, OKLAHOMA. IF YOU'RE ACTUALLY SMART ENOUGH TO MOVE AWAY FOR A PERIOD OF TIME, YOU'LL REALIZE WHAT A TOOL YOU WERE AND RENOUNCE THE SUBWOOFER AND BLOATED EXHAUST PIPE THAT CURRENTLY SYMBOLIZES YOUR LACK OF PENIS SIZE!!!! I'M SHOUTING BECAUSE YOU WON'T TURN DOWN THE BASS ON YOUR FUCKING STEREO. I HOPE YOU WRECK THAT FUCKING CIVIC AND HAVE TO DRIVE A STATION WAGON.


FUCK OFF YOU PUNK,
Dave




Dear car texter,
Just want you to know that you just ran over a child back there...that's why you accidentally hit the "l" button twice....



LOL,
D


Black person in Oklahoma,
On behalf of well, everyone, I would like to apologize. You see, some folks try too hard to appear non-racist. Some folks don't try at all. Some folks, like myself, think they are TOTALLY cool and then find themselves thinking things that don't make them proud. We like to start off sentences with "I'm not a racist, but..." or "My best friend is black, but..." or even "I have nothing against (whispered) black people, but...". I know. It's pretty gross.
Yes, we ALL are a bit racist. I truly believe this. It's become apparent to me that it's impossible not to hold a group of folks responsible for one single person's behavior at some point. However, let me just say that some of us are working on it. I mean, I like to call people out on being racist as much to make sure I don't behave that way as to make them rethink their own behavior, but that doesn't mean that person is bad. Stuff gets taught and we're all a bit stupid about un-learning things. (Yeah, I got that from Yoda.) I just hope you will continue to show the tolerance and patience with those of us you notice making an effort. I'm not asking you to ignore ignorant things we say or do, just help us be better. A lot of folks out there don't have any idea how dumb they look sometimes, but they wouldn't repeat the behavior if someone told them.
It's asking a lot for you to be kind to us. Probably more than we deserve. Just know this: there are those of us out there that want to learn to be better people, treat everyone with the same amount of respect, and have friends and experiences with other cultures. It's just not accessible to everyone. Help a fool out.
And by the way, I voted for Obama....


Humbly,
White Shadow





Dear Son,
You amaze me. You are ever-changing, ever-growing, ever-surprising. I want you to know something and I don't want you to ever EVER forget it as long as you live: you are who you are because of one thing and one thing only...YOUR MOTHER. I can only hope that you remember most of your childhood because the amount of dedication your mother shows you each and every single second of your life is legendary. You should know that she doesn't always feel that great. Her body has betrayed her a lot. It's not her fault, it's just the way life is sometimes. But despite that, she never wavers in her attention to your well-being, your happiness, or your knowledge of being loved.
I was lucky enough to have two moms who were like that. One of them was not able to be around to physically watch me grow up, but I know she's been present my whole life. The other has loved me as if I was born from her. She helped mold who I am and make me a better person, and she showed me that love is the greatest thing on this earth. Your Gammie, I believe, was sent by your grandma (my birth mom) to take care of me and you. We're lucky.
I hope that one day you will be lucky enough to meet someone who will love you like this. But no matter what, I hope the love your mother has given you will last you through times that are tough. I hope you know you will always be able to call your mom and she will listen, give you good advice, and tell you she loves and believes in you. She will always have your back. I hope you remember to tell her how much you appreciate it when you are old enough. Don't worry, sometimes that takes decades, but it'll happen. When it does finally occur to you, pick up the phone and call her. Tell her. It's all she wants to hear.
Oh yeah, a couple of other things: keep your head down and swing through the ball, focus on the belt buckle and drive with your legs, follow through with your wrist and follow your shot in case of a rebound, always use your own protection, and call me when you need something...I'll always help you.


I love you,
Your dad